Confession Time

"Don't tell Monkey!"

I've been an emotional eater at least since I got married. Before that the only stand-out memories I have of food are over-eating whenever there was spaghetti and making my chocolate bars last forever (or as many days as there were squares, which is quite a few)

Even so I never gained more than five pounds at a time. And that was easily shed by curbing my portions slightly and strolling 3/4 of a mile and back a few days a week. Then I had a baby. That stubborn weight did not want to come off. I finally gave up and got rid of all my size 10 clothes. Then I gained twelve pounds on top of the twenty-four I had kept. Then I got pregnant the second time. I topped off at 210 pounds a few days before Joshua was born. Strangely, I thought, this weight came right off. Down to the thirty-six over-weight I had been before...

Long story short, it has been a couple years with my weight creeping up and down. I pretty much stayed about forty pounds overweight. Then it started creeping up. I was in denial for a while, in spite of growing into a new size of jeans. When those started to get snug I decided to hop on my mom's scale. I nearly had a heart attack. Sixty pounds! Sixty pounds!!! I guess creeping isn't the right word this time. Twenty pounds is six months is pretty much steamrolling myself.

Now I battle this discouragement of having to lose fifteen or twenty pounds just to get back to where I was when I decided "Gee, I really should lose this weight, and soon!"

I know my health problems cannot be helped by this extra weight. In fact with liver and adrenal glands and various hormones involved I know I would get better faster if I lost all this. I guess that's true of any physical ailment.

So today I am posting the pictures I was too embarrassed to post before. There aren't all that many pictures of me because I am almost always behind the camera. The ones there are, I hate. I've never been real thrilled with pictures of me, but this is different.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Most of you are my siblings and I see you weekly anyway. You know what I look like and what my struggles are. I guess I just feel the need to get this off my chest. Hoping I will be able to look up and see that it is possible.

Of course it's possible.

Probable even. For me to get in shape.

The problem is this:

Embarrassing as it is.

I don't feel much desire to stop eating so much. I like to eat. It feels good. It is comforting. It is my addiction.

I know the real answer to this is my Jesus. So I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them. I am writing down some goals for New Year's. I'm not one to make big new year's resolutions and all. But I guess I'm hoping for a little momentum. So basically I will write down what I hope to lose by what date, and some eating habits to change as I go. Like adding more veggies (I love vegg by the way, I just get real lazy about it).
Then there's the problem of getting sick so often. Just when I get the exercising thing down I have to quit for a while. Then it's a slow process of starting up again. Then just when I get a rhythm going, you guessed it... This year has gradually been getting better in that department though. I am very excited about that! Still, I'm afraid:-(

So here goes, my fat pictures...

This is on my birthday, it doesn't look quite so bad now...

Dressed up for a Christmas party. I have umpteen layers of slimming garments on under that dress. Hey the picture looks better than the mirror did, my gut is somehow a bit hidden.

I hate this picture. I can't stand my fat face:-(

I don't want to be fat any more!!

There you have it. Please, please pray for me. I want to be healthy! I want to feel good about myself!! I want to be able to do lots of stuff I can't do now!!!

Love you guys. Thanks for listening...