Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Confession Time

"Don't tell Monkey!"

I've been an emotional eater at least since I got married. Before that the only stand-out memories I have of food are over-eating whenever there was spaghetti and making my chocolate bars last forever (or as many days as there were squares, which is quite a few)

Even so I never gained more than five pounds at a time. And that was easily shed by curbing my portions slightly and strolling 3/4 of a mile and back a few days a week. Then I had a baby. That stubborn weight did not want to come off. I finally gave up and got rid of all my size 10 clothes. Then I gained twelve pounds on top of the twenty-four I had kept. Then I got pregnant the second time. I topped off at 210 pounds a few days before Joshua was born. Strangely, I thought, this weight came right off. Down to the thirty-six over-weight I had been before...

Long story short, it has been a couple years with my weight creeping up and down. I pretty much stayed about forty pounds overweight. Then it started creeping up. I was in denial for a while, in spite of growing into a new size of jeans. When those started to get snug I decided to hop on my mom's scale. I nearly had a heart attack. Sixty pounds! Sixty pounds!!! I guess creeping isn't the right word this time. Twenty pounds is six months is pretty much steamrolling myself.

Now I battle this discouragement of having to lose fifteen or twenty pounds just to get back to where I was when I decided "Gee, I really should lose this weight, and soon!"

I know my health problems cannot be helped by this extra weight. In fact with liver and adrenal glands and various hormones involved I know I would get better faster if I lost all this. I guess that's true of any physical ailment.

So today I am posting the pictures I was too embarrassed to post before. There aren't all that many pictures of me because I am almost always behind the camera. The ones there are, I hate. I've never been real thrilled with pictures of me, but this is different.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Most of you are my siblings and I see you weekly anyway. You know what I look like and what my struggles are. I guess I just feel the need to get this off my chest. Hoping I will be able to look up and see that it is possible.

Of course it's possible.

Probable even. For me to get in shape.

The problem is this:

Embarrassing as it is.

I don't feel much desire to stop eating so much. I like to eat. It feels good. It is comforting. It is my addiction.

I know the real answer to this is my Jesus. So I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them. I am writing down some goals for New Year's. I'm not one to make big new year's resolutions and all. But I guess I'm hoping for a little momentum. So basically I will write down what I hope to lose by what date, and some eating habits to change as I go. Like adding more veggies (I love vegg by the way, I just get real lazy about it).
Then there's the problem of getting sick so often. Just when I get the exercising thing down I have to quit for a while. Then it's a slow process of starting up again. Then just when I get a rhythm going, you guessed it... This year has gradually been getting better in that department though. I am very excited about that! Still, I'm afraid:-(

So here goes, my fat pictures...

This is on my birthday, it doesn't look quite so bad now...

Dressed up for a Christmas party. I have umpteen layers of slimming garments on under that dress. Hey the picture looks better than the mirror did, my gut is somehow a bit hidden.
I hate this picture. I can't stand my fat face:-(

I don't want to be fat any more!!
There you have it. Please, please pray for me. I want to be healthy! I want to feel good about myself!! I want to be able to do lots of stuff I can't do now!!!
Love you guys. Thanks for listening...


fawndear said...

I know exactly how your feeling, I've been there! A little over a year ago I weighed over 60 lbs more than I do now. And sometimes I relapse a little like when things get really emotional. But I don't beat myself up and I'm always able to recover. Still not where I want to be but I'm not going back and I'm moving in the right direction.

I totally think you can do this!!! And no matter how embarressed you were to share - you took one of the best steps in helping yourself. - ACCOUNTABILITY!

YOU CAN DO THIS - I KNOW YOU CAN. I will totally keep you in my prayers.

princessmama said...

Thank you fawndear. Thanks for taking the time to share. I totally need all the encouragement I can get:)

Momma Bug said...

My belovedest Sarah,

I think you are lovely, and the Christmas picture is my favorite:-)
I'm serious!

Now... I know this will be a little hard to swallow coming from me, but the truth is that I have the same vice.
It just so happens that my matabolism saves my hide - it hides the evidence, if you know what I mean;-)
I do not pretend to know the frustration of extra pounds that stubbornly hang on, but still, I know the food vice.
I just want you to know, I'll be praying for you.
And if you'll pray for me too, I want to make the same changes in my lifestyle and eating habits.

For the glory of our Lord!

Love you,

princessmama said...

Analene, you don't know how often I have envied your metabolism. Baby after baby and you're still as slim as ever:-(

:-) Love you! I will pray for you too. Being strong and healthy is one of the best things a mama can do for her brood:-) Not to mention stripping off the things that keep us from being closer to Jesus-- like food addictions.

Thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot!

fshmatt said...

Hey Sarah, just so you know, those pictures don't do you justice. I'm totally serious here, you are still very pretty. I have always thought so and I still do. Weight is something the enemy likes to use against our family. he likes to bring us down while blowing us up. We can do it if we stick together and do just like you said, turn to Jesus when we have a problem. I'm feeling inspired by your blog, I think I'll write some confessions and goals of my own. Love you!

princessmama said...

Thanks bro, love you too! :-)

SM said...

I'm praying for you, remind me. You are and always will be my beautiful princess. Ok, maybe you're Nate's beautiful princess, but you were mine first. ( :

princessmama said...

Thank you Mom:-) You know I'll remind you to pray for me. I'm good at that lol!