Thursday, May 27, 2010

Camping Again

For another mountain bike race :) In Sisters, it's supposed to be raining (only Friday hopefully)---wish us dry!! :D I've been cooking since 7 am. I don't think I'm going to get everything done I had planned. I should have gotten started yesterday. But, I painted instead. I needed it, needed to release the creativity, needed the intercession (painting equals praying for me). It was worth the rush today.

Back to work! ;)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

On Depression

I've had a couple of responses to a comment that I might share some of my journey through depression here, so I'm going to give it a go. I don't promise to be very organized or anything. I may not often share in a way that is practical (if I tend toward poetic prose and that's not your thing, bear with me, I may one day share something actually useful). And, this is only one person's journey. One type of depression, one expression of that. I don't know anything else about depression and I can't pretend to know exactly what anyone else is feeling. Someone else's thoughts and experiences could be as different from mine as night and day. If you are trying to help a friend suffering from depression, Pray, Pray, Pray. Rely on the Holy Spirit to guide you.

I don't know how much I can share today, it's been one of those days... I was just planning on sticking a couple of old journal entries here today, but they are on the computer and I seem to be missing the program that allows me to open any of my documents (that being the program the documents were created on. Don't ask.) So...

Everything hurts and nothing matters. I don't care. But that's a lie. A lie that's a pathetic attempt to avert some of the pain. I couldn't tell you what is causing the pain, I can only tell you how it feels. Just be happy, you say? Just let it go. Rely on Jesus. You have a good life, a beautiful family, just be happy. You've never been where I am if you believe that is possible for me. The pain is physical, crushing my chest. My heart throbs and I can barely breathe. Sometimes I can barely move. Walking is an effort. Talking is worse. The pain throbs out the sharpest in joyful moments. I feel I am suffocating. I hate myself. I hate myself more than you can know. I am nothing. Worse than nothing, I am causing my family pain and there is no end in sight.

The fear that overwhelms me every time my kids are sick is growing. I panic now every time. It's been too long, too difficult. Two or three times a month for the past two and a half years we've been ill. Not just a little sniffle. Serious colds, sinus infections, influenza, tonsillitis, stomach flu. In the spring there are allergies, in the summer smoke from forest fires, in the fall asthma attacks from the sudden damp. We hardly go a few days between recovering from one thing and coming down with another. And the fear grows. And the condemnation. Self-condemnation I would have said at the time. If only I wasn't afraid, I could conquer this. Tell the enemy to get lost. But the fear takes all the authority out of my words. I'm sure God is disappointed with me. If only I could trust Him enough the fear would go and I would be able to do something for Him, be used by Him the way I long to be... I Hate how afraid I am. I hate myself. And there is no end in sight.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Pictures! Yay!! :D

Well, I still can't get the pics from my canon but here are a few of our doings this month (I can't believe it's half over already!!! And 2010 is almost half over!!!!! Aaauugh. It really does go by faster and faster...)

The girl behind the camera
I have lots of Great pics of the boys on the beach, but they will have to wait.

The race pics from Bend are also on the canon, but here are a couple of everybody getting ready (everybody as in the four of "mine")

Bear, Don and Janis

Don and Nate.
When Nate was done we took tired, hungry kids out of the dust and got some lunch. We found a nice park by the river to eat it in.

And a couple of Elijah's birthday party Friday. His very own (empty) pinata... ride on :)

His mama giving him his first bite of birthday cake

Love that sweet smile!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I have thoughts

I really do. Have things to say. But I am not at home (though home is very nearby) and it is passing 11 pm. And I don't want to be a zombie tomorrow. I will be very happy to have my own computer back. It's only been gone two days and I haven't really missed it. But it is convenient when you want to use it to have it in your own house :) I suppose I will be missing it more soon.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Back From Bend

We had a great time in Bend. Enjoyed the campground playground. Took a little ride along a trail by the river (wrecked and got war wounds). Had a progressive dinner with family and friends in 3 different camp sites. Watched the teenagers roasting strawberries over the camp fire. Listened to a round robin story consisting of a midget, flying squirrels, rehab, poison oak, hobbits, imprisonment in a glass jar, a rattlesnake who had his fangs removed, and a hooty-howl. Didn't get much sleep because my head was too cold in spite of a hat. Packed up camp as soon as we were done with breakfast. Followed a train of cars and campers with bike racks up a LONG gravel road through some ranch. Parked a six minute walk from the start line (My fam got there over an hour later and walked over 15 minutes!). Stood in line for the outhouse. Nearly got run over by a biker whizzing by as I stepped out of the outhouse. Laughed at the candy and beer glass in the "goody bag" given to the racers. Took pics of my four getting ready to ride. Watched a few hundred bikers line up on the road. Had Rowdy and Mike (Janis' brother) help me across the track (lol! so chivalrous) to get a better view. Took lots of pictures. Ate a LOT of dust. Tried to keep Joshua, in his boredom, from doing something I would regret. Congratulated Janis and Nate. Didn't get to see Don and Bear finish. Took Hungry kids to buy lunch. Left Nate to wait in car with Sleeping kids while we ordered. Enjoyed lunch by the river with Mom, Dad, Jessie, Haylie, and Tyler. Ate ice cream (bad idea! I like how it feels to Not eat that stuff). Headed home. Missed our turn on top of the mountain. Didn't know it at first(though I had said "we have another turn up here" Nate was so tired he didn't really care, and I think I mentioned it a little too late? Or maybe I was distracted when we passed it). Kept wondering if we'd seen "this" or "that" on the way up. Got down the mountain very quickly. Hmmm. This scenery looks like North of us. Not South. Fortunately we only added about twenty minutes to our drive. Which seemed like Forever with the boys grumping at each other in the back seat. Joshua fell asleep about twenty minutes from home. And stayed asleep. All night. Brannon helped unload the van.

I made some progress getting our trip mess cleaned up today. I'd hoped to make a lot more, but a nasty headache slowed me down this afternoon.

I am very pleased to have pictures of the four racers on my refrigerator :) I will be very happy when I can download them and show them to you all. Some day...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Ten Miles

On my bike this morning. Pulling a trail bike that weighs as much as mine. And a kid riding on the trail bike.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

If I didn't have to get ready for camping I'd take a nap, lol! Heading to Bend tomorrow for a mountain bike race (not me, though a certain optimistic someone is trying to talk me into it. Not Nate, he knows better ;)

Should be heaps of fun! Camping should be COLD :( And I should get lots of nice pics :) Can't wait til our computer is better so I can Post them!

Wish Nate luck! And Janis and Don and Bear...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I mentioned last time wanting to know if my bike rides were going to affect my weekly physical therapy workout. Last week I took two fifteen (or so) minute rides by myself and two 40-45 minute rides with Nate. ( I guess the first short ride doesn't really count since it was before last weeks workout:)

I worked nice and hard on the two long rides, thanks to having a partner. And I've taken a couple of walks this week as well.

I don't know if all that had anything to do with today's performance or not. Because I certainly noticed a difference today.

I collapsed. A lot. *Sigh*

About 3/4--7/8 of the way through almost all of my exercises today I pooped out. Being the good-natured fellow that he is, my dear friend and therapist went with the flow. "And that's the floor. Hold that position right there..."

So, perhaps I'm just worn out? Is that how it works??? Maybe next week I'll be stronger...


Monday, May 3, 2010

Technical Difficulties

Our computer is not working so well lately. It has proven impossible for me to download the pictures we took at the beach. It may be quite a while before I get to post them. Our computer will be going to a friend in a few days to have it's virus ridden memory wiped and the essentials returned. I don't expect it to take less than a week to have it returned to us...possibly quite a bit longer.

Meanwhile I will go next door to check my email and maybe write an entry or two about our doings.

Took another bike ride with Nate today. We mostly stuck to wider trails and I practiced sitting behind my seat for the descents. This required quite a bit of upper leg and arm muscles that aren't used to working so hard. By the time we hit the narrow trail I was a bit "wobbly" and found it much more difficult to dodge trees and such with less muscle control. We rode for about 40 minutes including a couple of steep climbs. I am quite proud of my accomplishments so far :D

Another day this week we'll take the boys and hook the trail bikes up and hit Bear Creek Trail. I'm curious to see if there will be a difference in how far I can ride compared to last fall. Between having a much lighter bike and having been working out with Bear once a week for the last several months I'm betting it will be better. Even though I haven't been riding regularly for as long as I had been the last time we went to Bear Creek.