Friday, November 18, 2011

"you have need of endurance..."

(Hebrews, uh... somewhere. And on one of Bear's office walls)

Right now I feel like I feel during a physical therapy work-out when Bear says, "Just four more." And I'm thinking "Yeah right! I'm lucky to still be upright right now, let alone do That four. more. times! *Gasp!* I don't Want to do this any more!" And yet, often I manage it. Trembling usually. Gasping for air, definitely. Sometimes I feel triumphant, sometimes I do not.

With this crazy emotional roller coaster I've been on this summer/fall I've been letting myself get pretty stressed. I'm doing better on that front right now. Finding a level space inside me. Remembering to be mindfully worshipful and grateful throughout the day. Not just letting negativity roll along. Remembering that there is No neutral ground. There is not unbelief, only belief in the wrong thing.

Still, I feel like I do when I'm at that point in my exercise when I hear "Just x more" and I'm thinking, "I want to be done Now, thank you very much." But I can't be done. I won't give up on mindfully, thankfully walking through each day while bearing the weight of pain that sometimes feels endurable and sometimes feels as though it is going to crush me. Because the Holy Spirit is with me every step of the way. He doesn't mind when I cry every day. He's always ready to comfort me the moment I look for Him. And because my loved ones need hear truth from me. They need love that is not afraid to be rejected.

I'm so thankful for friends who tell Me the truth, and encourage me to be who God made me to be. I'm thankful to my wonderful husband who is always ready with a hug and support. Who reminds me to separate people from their actions, to always think of love first.

And so, I'll keep walking. Keep climbing. Keep talking and singing and writing. I will learn more endurance and deeper love along the way.

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