Friday, September 4, 2009

Letting Go

Here I am wide awake in the middle of the night, third time in a row. I'm thinking maybe a little writing will help settle my brain. Or not. Whatever.

For many years I've been gathering a host of beautiful dreams, visions, and plans. Some of them from God's heart to mine. Some of them from my heart to His. Year after year of struggle and pain I felt shattered. Because it hurt so much to hope yet have no end of the pain in sight. Dream fulfillment seemed impossible. Even the one most basic thing I wanted to accomplish here on earth, being a great mother, seemed absolutely, hopelessly out of reach. I kept dragging myself to my feet time and time again. At last I felt what it was not to hope at all. It was as if someone had turned the lights out in a windowless room. Then I discovered that hope unfulfilled was not, after all, the most painful thing. But, God rescued me in His marvelous way.

Still I felt lost and alone much of the time. Yet, I never stopped saying "God, you are so good! You are all good, all the time, always good!" and I experienced God's love in many marvelous ways, He visited me often, I thought. I knew I was on a journey. When depression closed over me yet again I wondered if my life would ever change. Would I be trapped in this cycle forever? He nudged me softly, coaxing in His ever gentle way. I asked for help at last. Dear friends surrounded me and lifted me up. They reminded me how God sees me. They washed my feet and put a crown on my head and a royal robe on my shoulders (literally!). And my dearest Friend of all set me freer than I have ever been in my life. I am still in awe! :)

What a fascinating few weeks it has been. I am constantly learning to redirect old thought patterns. It's not all that hard, I don't feel that way any more; they are just old habits. But I must be vigilant. At the same time I am bursting with JOY so much of the time I am continually amazed! Now that the shell, the lie, I believed was me is gone I can experience my Jesus' love so much more vividly than before. I fall in love again every day. Sometimes many times a day!

Now, for the Letting Go part :) All those visions of my life; the ones that have not yet come to pass. The things I believed were out of reach while I lay in misery. They haven't changed or gone away. But my picture of how my life will look needs to go. He is once again coaxing me. And I, one by one, am peeling my stubborn fingers off the picture I clung to for so long. I'm excited really. I can't begin to imagine the adventures in store for me. I'm not "planning" anything but today right now. I am relearning the glorious joy of being with my two not-so-little ones. And just waiting. Happily. Peacefully. Expectantly. I know I can't even Imagine what He has in store for me :D

And that was a lot of adjectives.


Momma Bug said...

Dearest Sarah,

I'm up in the middle of the night tonight too.
In retrospect they are the "usual" complaints which are ones to be thankful for because of what they represent.
So I guess I wont complain:-)

Your writing is beautiful. Your heart is lovely to behold and tonight, a large encouragement to me. All this makes one LONG for heaven doesn't it? I never knew one could truly WANT heaven. I had it in my head that it would be wrong not to, but that isn't the same thing and I can't imagine how wonderful it will be to walk, run, skip, (fly?) with Jesus in our glorified bodies!
For now, contentment, and perseverance are two good companions to keep near.
The Lord is good - even here - and I can only guess how wonderful He will appear when we meet Him face to face:-)

I love you.
Can't wait to hear more. It's such a blessing that you CHOOSE to troop on; and praise him for your man and the little men...
I am seeing that those "keepers" we found are the more precious because they "keep" us... even through our darker and less lovable days;-)

All my heart,

fawndear said...

Beautiful post. So happy that you have found the joy that you've been seeking.
My best days are the ones in which I relax and enjoy each moment, touch from a child or my hunny, the beautiful sky or delicate flowers that surround me. When we try to live too much in our future dreams we miss the miracle of today. One day at a time is the absolute best!

princessmama said...

fawndear, It wasnt' so much that i was trying to live in my future dreams as that my present was so miserable I couldn't imagine anything getting better.

But i agree the days where I remember to savor each moment of the present are the absolute best

Analene, thank you so much for your encouraging words. You are such a blessing to me :)