Finding My Beauty

I recently had the wonderful experience of a Femmeography photo shoot with Natasha Komoda.  http://www.femmeography.com/

I've been following Jade Beall ( http://www.abeautifulbodyproject.com/ ) for a while and that's how I came across Natasha and her beautiful photographs. I was drooling the moment I saw them and really wishing I could do a session, and kind of thinking it would never happen. When an opportunity presented itself you can believe I jumped at it and made sure it happened.

I've been on a self-love journey for the past decade, and on a body-love journey for the past year or so. The timing for this was absolutely perfect. I was mentally and emotionally in just the right place to get the most out of this experience. 

Here is my story:

Yesterday I wrote, "I just opened my hotmail inbox to find my femmeography portraits. I am SO SCARED to open that email!

I am terrified that I have not come as far as I think I have in accepting myself and that I will see more flaws than beauty when I look at my photos. I am afraid I will find myself in an old sad place."

          Before I went to the shoot I was thinking about how absolutely lovely all the ladies in the photos were. No matter their size or shape or “flaws”, they were all gorgeous. I was really excited to do the shoot, and a little nervous. I’ve come a Long way in this past year toward accepting myself and seeing my beauty. Still, the day before we drove to Natasha's studio I was noticing things that were getting me wound up. Dry skin on my arm that was becoming inflamed and looked like a rash, and so on.

           I worried about my weight and couldn’t help wishing I could do this photo shoot “when I’m more fit”. Which is completely beside the point. Duh! I looked in the mirror and tried to find the beauty I’ve been seeing more and more lately. And I remembered something. At my thinnest I still had just as many days when I was shocked by the mirror and the not-beauty I saw there. I had just as many days when I saw my beauty. It was not different from now.

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        . . . We arrive at Natasha's studio in the rain. We've been driving since shortly after 5 a.m. It's good to get out of the car. We meet Natasha and then Nate heads out for a stroll around the neighborhood. I change into comfy clothes.

I'm nervous, but it soon fades almost entirely away. Natasha is so sweet and awesome, she puts me at ease right away. I freeze up a couple of times during the shoot, but not for long.  

My nervous face

I enjoy chatting with Natasha, and laughing. Lots of laughing. I remember things I love about myself. I am me. I am introverted and reserved, happy inside my head. I am loving and funny and I want to be seen. My skin is soft and my eyes lovely. I know that when I smile and laugh it glows through every part of me.

I love the crinkly lines by my eyes when I smile

I love the human face! What a funny thing it is. So marvelously mobile and potentially hilarious.

Yes, I love my face

I love ME

When I dance I fly away from the pain for a moment.

The pain that keeps me from the portion of the session that involves lying on the floor. The pain that had me worried on the drive up here, wondering if I would be able to move at all. It has been a constant these eleven months, adding an unbearable weight to the weakness and exhaustion I was already being crushed under.

I'm Alive

I've come a long way since THIS post. Far from hating my body any more I can hug my big belly and say to my body “I love you. You work so hard to protect me from whatever this is. Thank you.”  

After the shoot I was so full. Full of energy. Full of thoughts. Full of a swirling mixture of elation and confusion. To be so vulnerable in front of someone else is a big stretch for me, but it helped to open me up inside and out and take the next step in discovering my beauty.

My perception of myself, my personality, my interactions with other people, my thoughts about the world, fill my head with what I “look” like. Somehow what I saw in the mirror the times I saw ugliness did not match my perception of myself. I’m not sure why that is, whether it’s some cultural concept of what I ‘should’ look like or whether it’s some other reason.

My journey lately has been, not only to see beauty in every person, including myself, no matter what our culture says beauty is and isn’t, but also to reconcile what I perceive about myself with what I see in the mirror. To cause those two things to line up.

I looked through my femmeography photos through floods of tears. When words finally came what burst out of me was, “Oh. My. Gosh. I am so freaking Beautiful!”

And I'm not afraid any more. I know the journey is real, where I am now is real. I am beautiful.

I Had Good Intentions...

...of keeping up my blog better. For my own sake, you know? I like the journaling aspect of it, and a little writing outlet never hurt me. But I've been struggling just to make it through each day in one piece. That's what it feels like anyway.

See, my adrenal glands took a nosedive after a seemingly mildly stressful happening. Just a life thing you know? But my fragile body couldn't take it apparently. I've spent a good 80% of the last 5.5 weeks on the couch. Lucky me. No bike riding (or racing!), hardly any driving (too dangerous in my extremely mentally fogged state), and a Very disgusting, dirty house!

I've got new marching orders from my doctor that include glandular extracts and an 8:30 bedtime. Yippee. Buut... If it works it's totally worth it, right? And what Mama couldn't use an early bedtime? Problem is, that's earlier than my boys go to sleep, and we're all still in the same room while Nate struggles to get the boys' bedroom finished in between bouts of homework, classes, and work. Not to mention helping his dad around the property and doing odd jobs for the neighbors. So, yeah.

We're still hoping to have it done by the end of summer term (Ha. I'll be glad when our life isn't measured in school terms ;-)  ). In the meantime we're asking the boys to tolerate a little earlier turning in and turning off of audio books. If I can get in bed at 8:30 and read while they finish listening to their story and have them turn it off at 9:00, we'll be doing good I think.

I'm also not supposed to exercise to fatigue, use the computer or do chores after dinner, need to get our house tested for mold, wean off of caffeine and eat Really healthy and mindfully (my eating schedules get whacked along with sleep when I'm having adrenal problems--i either don't eat enough or eat too much and don't eat at regular times etc.)

I had a couple weeks of pretty intense depression before I figured out exactly what was going on. I knew it was circumstantial though and not the old dark pit of "before". So I was able to muscle through it.

God has been so very faithful through it all, providing peace and putting up with my temper tantrums. My friends and family have been lovely and encouraging, providing shoulders to cry on and sound advice on the other end of the phone. I love you guys!!

Training Week

I got to do four out of five days of the mountain bike team's "spring training" week. I was apprehensive every day before going because of how tired I was, but every day I had fun, even though it was really, really hard. The last day, yesterday, I was ready to give up at the top of the first climb. I was so tired and starting to get the icky feeling that warns me off pushing myself too hard. I sat down on the wet ground and thought about crying. I thought about turning around and going back down. I wasn't sure I should keep pushing myself. I said something along the lines of "God, you got me into this. You healed me so I could ride this week (yay!), and You promised me strength if I trusted You with this. My doc says to listen to my body and not push too hard if it's going to flatten me, and I know from experience that this is wise advice. Please tell me if I should keep going or if I should turn around now."

I saw Bear coming up the hill behind me. I stood up. Picked up my bike. He crept by me, pedaling hard, mud covered, sweat dripping. "Just one time around," he said. (a loop of trail at the top of the climb we had just done) I started walking again. Remembered that Nate took me on this trail when I first started mountain biking and it was too difficult for me to ride down. Narrow, rocky, slippery and steep. Being so out of practice I wondered how much of it I would have to walk down. I was pleasantly surprised to find that, though a little tricky, it was well within my "skill" level. Then going down the long climb was super fun.

So the day went. So, so hard and so, so fun. I was super miserable at times but I did way more than I thought I could.

Illness and Exercise and Rambling

I am on a very interesting journey these days. In this case "interesting" happens to be code for "really dang hard" with a lot of good thrown in. It's a bit like beginning to exercise when you've been lying around for a while. You set out with enthusiasm (or not, depending on whether you like to exercise or not) and, taking deep breaths of fresh air, rejoice in finally being outside (assuming you enjoy your exercise out of doors).  You begin pedaling and a smile is soon tugging at you. Another deep breath of fresh air and a full on grin takes over your face.

Sooner or later though (Much Sooner at my house) you have to climb. And climb and climb and climb.

 If it's been a while I will have fiercely burning lungs long before I even begin to feel my legs (the airways tend to be my weak spot). That's the worst for me. I have a really difficult time getting past it. I find I have to take my time if I'm not going to become so discouraged I want to quit. I have to be really patient. I have to stop and walk sooner than I would like, and walk longer than I would like. Until the burning subsides completely, then I can have another go. Then next time I ride I'll be able to go a little longer before I have to stop the first time, maybe only a few seconds longer, but it's progress all the same. Progress that feels a whole lot like pain.

I am always shocked by how much mountain biking can hurt. When I started if I hadn't already been doing exercises that hurt and having someone who knows what they're talking about telling me that the pain was good, as long as it was in the right spot, I would have thought something was wrong. It's still shocking!

Another challenge I face is being in generally poor health. Between adrenal exhaustion and allergies my immune system is quite compromised. I seem to come down with every cold that's going around. There have been some changes this year. I haven't had a stomach bug about every fourth illness like in the past. I haven't had influenza (which thankfully I've only had a few times) or tonsillitis or bronchitis. My cold symptoms have been fairly mild. I've been struggling with ongoing muscle aches and sleepiness though. The other cold symptoms go, but those two stay. For weeks. Then about the time I'm feeling better I get another cold. It hasn't made for very good exercise motivation.

I've been struggling emotionally with the constant exhaustion. I have things I want to do! Things I need to do! I'm tired of this! I don't want to do it any more. Ever. I want my life back. Now would be good.

Very few people "get" that I'm not making it up when I say I can't exercise today. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Just do it. Exercise will give you the energy you want..." And then look at me like I'm nuts when I try to explain that with adrenal exhaustion I have to pay attention to my body and not exercise if it tells me not too. If I do I will likely be stuck to the couch for two days, or three or four... I think they suspect I'm lazy or in denial. I think they're thinking I'm trying to get out of exercising, that I don't want to work and am making excuses. That's with the "you're nuts" looks. The blank stares I'm not so sure. Some people genuinely try to understand. But unless you've been here, it's really hard to get it.

I recently came across an article about "The Spoon Theory" that explains so well how I feel. Most folks don't think of getting dressed, fixing their hair, driving a short distance, and myriad other small things as being events that require thought and energy. Events that take a chunk out of "what I can accomplish today". I hesitated for months before cutting my hair short (fun new do:) because I knew how much the five or ten minutes a day to fix it would take out of me.

Another example that will take place today. I'm going for a bike ride with the team. You'd think I'd be worried about two hours on my bike being the energy drain. Not so. The things I'm most worried about draining my energy, before I even get started, include: the small maintenance things to get my bike ready to ride, putting my bike on the bike rack on the van, changing into cycling clothes, getting my water bottles and snacks ready, driving 25 minutes to the trail, my extremely introverted self being forced to great a dozen or more people and I am mostly barely acquainted with... All these seemingly insignificant things are major energy sappers for me. So much so that the thought of going for  a ride today seems almost impossibly overwhelming.

Speaking of the team, I never followed up on my post about my big decision. I joined, contrary to the Appearance of Common Sense.

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Whew. Found out that the ride today was an hour earlier than I thought it was and had to dash off suddenly. I had a great and grueling time. My sweet hubby took a huge stress off me by driving me to the trail head and picking me up after.

So, speaking of going against common sense and joining the team. I mentioned I was very concerned about not being able to fulfill the requirements because of my health. Yesterday I was struggling emotionally. I was feeling crummy again after only a few days of feeling ok. The muscle aches were back and I had a sore throat. My nose was throbbing and stinging. I was extremely exhausted and discouraged. The boys were still coughing and having a really rough day. After they had gone to bed I was praying and reading my bible and just really discouraged. Did I mention I was discouraged? When I finally decided to join the team I had been praying about it and felt a lot of peace about joining. God gave me a verse from Psalm 23. In most translations verse 3 says "He restores my soul". In the translation that was in my room at the time said "He restores my strength". Another translation could be 'He restores my vitality to what it was meant to be'. I believed I had a promise from God that if I trusted Him He would come through for me. So, I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself and asking God if He was really going to come through for me. Maybe I heard Him wrong, I was thinking. I know He always comes through! Always. So, I must have made up what I'd felt and heard. Or God had some other lesson in mind for me. Or...

I got to bed at a good time and there I lay. Until at least midnight. *Sigh* The boys woke me just before seven this morning. I had some cooking and cleaning that Had to be done today. And you know what? I felt great! I got all the things done I needed to get done. And I went on the ride. Came home sore, tired, mud covered, and very happy. God came through for me, in the way I hoped He would.

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Psalm 27 has been my "go-to" passage for some time now (parenthesis mine):

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?   (or what circumstance!)
When evildoers come upon me to devour
my flesh,   (illness)
My adversaries and my enemies, they
stumbled and fell.
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war rise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
One thing I have asked from the Lord, that
I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,  (in Every circumstance)
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me
in His tabernacle;  (in full view of my enemies, where they can't touch me)
In the secret place of His tent He will hide
me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above
my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with
shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the
Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When you said, "Seek my face," my heart
said to You,
"Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;   (in every way!)
Do not abandon me or forsake me, (since He says "I will never leave you or forsake you" don't have to worry about that one:)
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have
forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.
Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my
adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breath out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living. (So true!)
Wait for the Lord; (need to get a grip on this one)
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

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This quote by Graham Cooke is challenging me this week:
"To really get the best of frustration, you must turn it into celebration. If you stop being frustrated and start celebrating, you enter a whole different space, and so will your circumstances. You can make your circumstances bow to the Christ in you! All it takes is a brilliant thought."

I've been avoiding posting here any of the negative/stressful things that have been going on in my life the last few months. I was avoiding posting at all for a while, not knowing if I should "go there" or not. I started this blog as a sort of journal and an outlet for bits of writing and photography etc. As you know if you've followed at all it's really a hodge-podge of family journaling and my thoughts and photos and so on. I've used it as a place to share triumphs and to process grief. I love that I can stay in touch with old friends through it.


I still don't know what I will share on here, if anything, of the struggles I've been going through. Some are deeply personal. Some are controversial. Some feel like whining after years of the same pain. So, if posts are few and far between that is the main reason. The other reason is one of the negatives-poor health. And all the energy I am putting into finding out how I can be the healthiest I can be, it's taking a lot out of me. As well as the discouragement of being here still, again, whatever. And that's where the feeling of whining comes in...



I know this is a good outlet for me and can help me focus on the positive. The happy pictures and fun times:) I will endeavor to keep up with at least a few posts of what we are up to if nothing else. I want to be able to look back on this summer and remember the spots of joy.

"Do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not anxiously look about you, for I am

your God.

I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,

Surely I will uphold you with my righteous

right hand

Isaiah 41:10

A Leetle Bragging...

Ok, these girls in 1st and 2nd place are seriously skinny! Ha. And, you can't see it but they have Really buff legs! I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself ;-) for completing four cross-country mountain bike races in my current state of health especially.

Oh, and, that chick in 3rd place? She's lost 18 pounds since the end of March

(Going on 20 now. Still hard to believe sometimes, lol!)

Procrastinating

Big news! I participated in my very first cross-country mountain bike race on Mother's Day!!! :D I was going to write a post today with pictures and everything, but... it hasn't happened yet. Maybe tomorrow ;)