Finding My Beauty

I recently had the wonderful experience of a Femmeography photo shoot with Natasha Komoda.  http://www.femmeography.com/

I've been following Jade Beall ( http://www.abeautifulbodyproject.com/ ) for a while and that's how I came across Natasha and her beautiful photographs. I was drooling the moment I saw them and really wishing I could do a session, and kind of thinking it would never happen. When an opportunity presented itself you can believe I jumped at it and made sure it happened.

I've been on a self-love journey for the past decade, and on a body-love journey for the past year or so. The timing for this was absolutely perfect. I was mentally and emotionally in just the right place to get the most out of this experience. 

Here is my story:

Yesterday I wrote, "I just opened my hotmail inbox to find my femmeography portraits. I am SO SCARED to open that email!

I am terrified that I have not come as far as I think I have in accepting myself and that I will see more flaws than beauty when I look at my photos. I am afraid I will find myself in an old sad place."

          Before I went to the shoot I was thinking about how absolutely lovely all the ladies in the photos were. No matter their size or shape or “flaws”, they were all gorgeous. I was really excited to do the shoot, and a little nervous. I’ve come a Long way in this past year toward accepting myself and seeing my beauty. Still, the day before we drove to Natasha's studio I was noticing things that were getting me wound up. Dry skin on my arm that was becoming inflamed and looked like a rash, and so on.

           I worried about my weight and couldn’t help wishing I could do this photo shoot “when I’m more fit”. Which is completely beside the point. Duh! I looked in the mirror and tried to find the beauty I’ve been seeing more and more lately. And I remembered something. At my thinnest I still had just as many days when I was shocked by the mirror and the not-beauty I saw there. I had just as many days when I saw my beauty. It was not different from now.

~~~~

        . . . We arrive at Natasha's studio in the rain. We've been driving since shortly after 5 a.m. It's good to get out of the car. We meet Natasha and then Nate heads out for a stroll around the neighborhood. I change into comfy clothes.

I'm nervous, but it soon fades almost entirely away. Natasha is so sweet and awesome, she puts me at ease right away. I freeze up a couple of times during the shoot, but not for long.  

My nervous face

I enjoy chatting with Natasha, and laughing. Lots of laughing. I remember things I love about myself. I am me. I am introverted and reserved, happy inside my head. I am loving and funny and I want to be seen. My skin is soft and my eyes lovely. I know that when I smile and laugh it glows through every part of me.

I love the crinkly lines by my eyes when I smile

I love the human face! What a funny thing it is. So marvelously mobile and potentially hilarious.

Yes, I love my face

I love ME

When I dance I fly away from the pain for a moment.

The pain that keeps me from the portion of the session that involves lying on the floor. The pain that had me worried on the drive up here, wondering if I would be able to move at all. It has been a constant these eleven months, adding an unbearable weight to the weakness and exhaustion I was already being crushed under.

I'm Alive

I've come a long way since THIS post. Far from hating my body any more I can hug my big belly and say to my body “I love you. You work so hard to protect me from whatever this is. Thank you.”  

After the shoot I was so full. Full of energy. Full of thoughts. Full of a swirling mixture of elation and confusion. To be so vulnerable in front of someone else is a big stretch for me, but it helped to open me up inside and out and take the next step in discovering my beauty.

My perception of myself, my personality, my interactions with other people, my thoughts about the world, fill my head with what I “look” like. Somehow what I saw in the mirror the times I saw ugliness did not match my perception of myself. I’m not sure why that is, whether it’s some cultural concept of what I ‘should’ look like or whether it’s some other reason.

My journey lately has been, not only to see beauty in every person, including myself, no matter what our culture says beauty is and isn’t, but also to reconcile what I perceive about myself with what I see in the mirror. To cause those two things to line up.

I looked through my femmeography photos through floods of tears. When words finally came what burst out of me was, “Oh. My. Gosh. I am so freaking Beautiful!”

And I'm not afraid any more. I know the journey is real, where I am now is real. I am beautiful.

I Had Good Intentions...

...of keeping up my blog better. For my own sake, you know? I like the journaling aspect of it, and a little writing outlet never hurt me. But I've been struggling just to make it through each day in one piece. That's what it feels like anyway.

See, my adrenal glands took a nosedive after a seemingly mildly stressful happening. Just a life thing you know? But my fragile body couldn't take it apparently. I've spent a good 80% of the last 5.5 weeks on the couch. Lucky me. No bike riding (or racing!), hardly any driving (too dangerous in my extremely mentally fogged state), and a Very disgusting, dirty house!

I've got new marching orders from my doctor that include glandular extracts and an 8:30 bedtime. Yippee. Buut... If it works it's totally worth it, right? And what Mama couldn't use an early bedtime? Problem is, that's earlier than my boys go to sleep, and we're all still in the same room while Nate struggles to get the boys' bedroom finished in between bouts of homework, classes, and work. Not to mention helping his dad around the property and doing odd jobs for the neighbors. So, yeah.

We're still hoping to have it done by the end of summer term (Ha. I'll be glad when our life isn't measured in school terms ;-)  ). In the meantime we're asking the boys to tolerate a little earlier turning in and turning off of audio books. If I can get in bed at 8:30 and read while they finish listening to their story and have them turn it off at 9:00, we'll be doing good I think.

I'm also not supposed to exercise to fatigue, use the computer or do chores after dinner, need to get our house tested for mold, wean off of caffeine and eat Really healthy and mindfully (my eating schedules get whacked along with sleep when I'm having adrenal problems--i either don't eat enough or eat too much and don't eat at regular times etc.)

I had a couple weeks of pretty intense depression before I figured out exactly what was going on. I knew it was circumstantial though and not the old dark pit of "before". So I was able to muscle through it.

God has been so very faithful through it all, providing peace and putting up with my temper tantrums. My friends and family have been lovely and encouraging, providing shoulders to cry on and sound advice on the other end of the phone. I love you guys!!

Broken

 Broken. Undeniably. Irrevocably. The family I once knew and cherished is no more. The bitter pain that has kept me from writing all summer and half of autumn, is this. This thing that has been building for years. Mostly unseen. Hidden in the shadows of 'keeping it together', of 'normalcy'. The fractured bits like shards of glass, carefully reached around to avoid injury. To avoid blood, and pain. And, finally, a divorce. Children struggling in greater and lesser degrees not to take sides. To support both parents. To let anger and grief run their course and be followed by forgiveness and grace. Children who (speaking for myself, and perhaps my siblings) are grateful to be adults with families of their own. Spouses and children who are anchors in our pain.

 The sun shines on and the pain, eventually, comes and goes. Between waves I can feel almost normal. I begin to think that the intensity has waned. Then I am suddenly drowning again.

 There are so many things that cannot be shared here. Things that last too long, that leave too quickly, that come too soon. Old hurts that surface at inopportune times and make little rifts wider. Emotions on edge. A family that used to be one of the happiest and strongest families I knew is left in fragments.

 At times I forget to trust the Holy Spirit. I forget to rest in the arms of my Heavenly Daddy. I forget that ALL things work together for the good of those who Love HIM!

 Even the prickly aliens that don't belong on this landscape...

 Down to the smallest detail, the largest pain, He is present and Powerful. His Love for me in Unending! His delight in me never ceases!

 As I watch my precious boys exploring today I am reminded once again of God's love for ME!

 There is beauty All around me today...

 There are even wildflowers in November...

Joshua

I've been telling family members "You should come watch Joshua at Kung Fu if you can. Just to see him stand still!" :D
He really will stand still, hands at his sides, no talking for minute after minute. Waiting for class to start. Waiting for his turn to run and jump...

And a week ago he was very proud to receive his first belt:)

Mama was chosen for the traditional role of wisdom passer-on-er (yes, a technical term) through the pulling of the belt...

I think he's a little happy here... :D

My sweet boy! I'm so proud of you my dear!

Afterward he asked me what knowledge and wisdom I passed to him through the belt. We were in the car at the time and I told him I'd wait to tell him until I could look in his face. He said, "Well, I know some of the things. At least I can guess."

"Really? What knowledge do you think I gave you?"

"That you love me. And that you are very proud of me. And that I did a really good job."

So very true. And later, when I told him the other things I had in mind for him during that little ceremony--knowledge of the value of patience; strength to persevere through difficulty-- the shining of his little face filled my heart to overflowing. I love you Buddy, and I love watching you grow up.

New Year's Drum Circle

So, when I heard folks trying to pound holes through the ceiling (thus ending my "nap") I figured it must be near midnight. I wandered upstairs and found it was only 11 pm...

Caylee and Don (Caylee, Joy, and Andrew are siblings. Don is their uncle)
Bear (who belongs to Lorna)

Mom and David (David belongs to Sue)

David and Janis

Philip

Nate on the didgeridoo

Andrew and Zach

Joy(dancing) and Sue(videoing--is that a word?)

Joy

Rowdy (who belongs to Janis) and Renee

Renee

Sue and Lorna (mom to Elijah, Zach and Cameron)

Dad:)

Mom

Janis and Mom

Don and Danita (they belong together and their kids are Alisa, Elizabeth, and Lydia)

Mom and Janis (don't they look like they are having fun?)

After we counted down midnight we went out on the deck for a few minutes and made crazy noise out there (the neighbors called the police!). Then we came inside and had communion.

A little more worship first...of a quieter sort

Then communion together, in the quiet, dim room, in the best of company...

Thank you Father so much for showing us Your love in so many wonderful ways. Thank you for friends who are like family. Thank you for the Gift of Your Son to us. I love You!